How to Actually Get the Body of a Spartan Warrior

posted in: Miscellaneous, Satire, Uncategorized | 4

7 Simple Steps to Get the Body of an Ancient Spartan Warrior

spartan warrios - ready for battle

Ever since the movie 300 came out, I’ve run across a lot of resources on how to become a Spartan warrior. Since then, there have been many popular 300 workout routines, Spartan warrior training tips – Spartan this, Spartan that. You probably remember the huge craze following the movie’s release on how all those guys got such great abs (hint: the makeup, lighting, and special effects helped). Gym Jones got some serious PR for awhile because it churned out a bunch of good-lookin’ dudes. And this trend is still going on. I’m still seeing Spartan-themed workouts, events, and even programs around the web.

And so, I thought I’d put my own twist on this craze in typical Siffer-fashion.

So, here’s how to actually get the body of a Spartan warrior, in seven simple steps.

  1. Choose your [Spartan] parents wisely.
  2. Make sure that you’re born in Sparta roughly 2500 years ago.
  3. Be male.
  4. Don’t get discarded during infancy.
  5. Leave your family at age seven to start military training.
  6. Endure vigorous daily training, incredible hardship, and extremely harsh disciplinary procedures.
  7. Continue such military training until 20 years old, and if accepted into the Spartan army, remain there until age 60.

If you do all of that, then you, my friend, will have the coveted body of a Spartan warrior – the abs, the scars, and all.


Did you really think that finishing a muddy obstacle race was going to do the trick?

My good fellow! It was Plutarch who said of the Spartan warriors, “They were the only men in the world with whom war brought a respite in the training for war.”

So, I hate to say it, but your Paleo bacon poppers probably won’t do the trick.

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P.P.S. Photo credit 1.

P.P.S. Related post: 25 Things The Spartan Warriors Didn’t Need To Get Fit And Prepare For War.

4 Responses

  1. Heh heh. Nice. What did those boys eat anyways? Spanikopita? Souvlaki?

    When I read your headline, I thought:
    1) Go to Greece.
    2) Find a Spartan tomb (good luck)
    3) Grab whatever bones you can find.
    4) Bring them home in a box.

    And there is how you can get (what’s left of) a Spartan body.

  2. Or you can go for what Gerard Bulter went for, the hellish exercise routine that made him into a scupture of a man. I’m not sure if he’s as strong, though: there may be much muscle tissue underneath, but none of it very tough, right?

    It’s not that it’s impossible to achieve what Spartans have achieved, – after all, they’ve only proven it possible, – yet I agree with you: a small diet change and a terrifyingly-tiresome once-a-year exercise will not help you with that.

  3. hahaha spot on. loved it

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