Discover The 5 Easiest Strategies To Systematically Destroy Your Health, Decrease Your Quality Of Life, Inhibit Your Daily Performance, And Dramatically Decrease The Risk Of Living a Long Healthy Life
If you want to look older, feel older, and dramatically increase your risk of kicking the bucket sooner than expected, then you’ve come to the right place! Inside this super-secret, wealth-infused tome of blueprint-esque tips from the demi-gods (aka “the gurus”) of health, fitness, weight loss, and elite athletic performance, you’ll find tons of golden nuggets scattered everywhere about everything you need to know to make your hopes and dreams a reality.
Finally, achieving your goals couldn’t be easier, and if you ACT NOW, you can learn exactly what you need to do in just five easy steps…
1) You can start by sitting around all day. Not only should you remain sedentary at home and at work, but you should avoid any and all forms of exercise or physical activity in general. Besides, no single activity could do more damage than this, and according to recent research, sedentary behavior is more destructive to health than smoking a pack of cigarettes per day. Speaking of smoking…
2) While you’re sitting there, you could improve your results by ingesting toxic substances regularly. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying you should do anything illegal, as that would be quite a problem indeed. Besides, you can get much the same effects on your brain chemistry from pursuing a sugar addiction as you can from crack cocaine. Who needs narcotics, anyway? Just make sure you’ve got a steady supply of alcohol, tobacco, or sweet tarts (etc.), and get to work. Once you’ve chosen your vice, only then should you worry about having a surplus on hand (max out those credit cards!). And once you do, use liberally.
3) To accelerate your results, you could also substitute your diet with man-made, processed, or otherwise fake, unnatural foods. Who needs real food anyway? All that health stuff tastes so awful, and it’s so expensive to boot. You’d be much better off with the human-engineered, genetically-modified, packaged, food-like substances that come with a longer shelf-life. The rule of thumb is that the longer the food’s shelf life is, the shorter yours will be! You’ll get faster results by skipping breakfast, snacking often (ie eating constantly), and overeating.
4) If this is all starting to sound like a lot of work, then you’re in luck! Another great strategy you can use is to make it your life mission to be stressed out all the time. This little gem really brings it all together, and creates a synergy to sky-rocket the devastating effects of this step-by-step blueprint. If you’re used to taking it easy and not letting life’s worries get to you, then try letting a little worry into your schedule. It only takes a little bit to start, and then it tends to spread like a cold at a day-care facility. If you want faster results, go for an all-out panic attack once in awhile.
5) If you’re a real go-getter and you want to put the nail in the coffin, and KNOW that you’re doing everything you can to shorten your expected lifespan and decrease your quality of life, then start taking drugs that have been proven to have a lot of dangerous side-effects. And the more side effects, the better. This is like the last little bit that can help. You can start your research using the all-trustworthy, drug-company sponsored TV commercials that feature paid actors and lengthy liability disclaimers (yeah, the ones your doctor hates). Now, keep in mind that almost any drug will work, whether it’s prescription medication or just an over-the-counter drug. They’re all great! The key is just to get as many as possible, and milk ’em for all they’re worth withing ODing. Another helpful tip is to find a pharmacy with a drive-thru. That’ll make the transition so much easier for you. You are avoiding physical activity after all!
Bonus Strategy) If you’re on a roll, and you want to take things into high gear as soon as possible, then you can try to avoid rest, relaxation, and recovery at all costs. Yes, it’s true. You CAN hit rock bottom on a daily basis. Literally, beat yourself into the ground every single day. The most foolproof way to do this is to make sure you avoid getting enough quality sleep at all costs. This is the real key. If you’re sleep deprived, then that makes everything worse! No doubt, this will be one of the most challenging strategies to implement for many people. So, if it’s proving to be difficult, just watch the television or surf the internet until you can’t keep your eyes open anymore. Initial findings from anecdotal reports has shown that it works for millions of people!
Final Words
You are now armed with the latest, greatest, scientifically-backed information to help you accelerate aging, reduce your expected lifespan, and decrease your quality of life as quickly as possible. It’s in your hands now. And by the way, in case anyone is wondering, this is not medical advice. Please consult your doctor before attempting a program of inactivity, forced toxicity, excessive unnatural food intake, stress mismanagement, and self-medication. And if you have any questions, please direct your attention to the medical disclaimer. Mmkay?
So, what are you waiting for? The time to act is NOW!
If you found this article helpful, please share it with your friends and tweeps:
.jpg "John Sifferman")
CST Coach, CST-KS
Health-First Fitness Coach
P.S. If you liked this post, then please signup for the newsletter, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter for daily updates and other interesting info.
P.P.S. Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/raedqutena/
I enjoy a good bit of sarcasm once in a while :)
nice writing.
That makes two of us, Ben :)
Now, this is called “training ro failure” :-).
Another bonus strategy: avoid any kind of “healthy” relationship. Other people are there to be used by you (or to use you, which is OK to raise your stress levels). Don’t waste your time taking care of other people’s needs and asking them to take care of yours, and you’ll be on the right way to a future of resentment and loneliness. At this point, the shorter this future, the better. Besides, you’ll save a lot of money avoiding unnecessary phone calls or greeting cards to friends, colleagues and relatives.
“Training to failure”, of course. M.T.
HA – got that right! :)
Haha good article, very well written. Don’t mind some sarcasm
Glad you enjoyed it, Jake!
what, ME be stressed out all the time?
Tom
PS another good one! :-)
PPS send you an email.
Nahhhh, not you, Tom… :)
Great article
Great article John! This is definitely going on my facebook wall!
Great article, John.
I attribute premature aging to outright laziness that is so prevalent in today`s society. People are simply too reluctant to put any effort into caring about the well-being of nature`s greatest gift, their body. By the way, ignorance plays its part in this problem, too, which is why informative articles like this one are a bare necessity.
Workout review:
I´ve been continuously stressed for years, sitting all day at work (and at home “because i was tired”), not getting enough sleep and then surfing the web until my eyes shut by themselves because i “had little time to read and should use eny time i had” having lots, but i mean lots, of coffee to keep me going, only to feel crashed all the time. I can assure everyone that this “workout” is the most crazy, insane, extreme, hardcore and complete jackass you’ll find and it totally works, you will notice results from day one.
Now, seriously, reading this was like “Nooooooo!!!”
I’m in vacation from work, i’ve just read this, i’m just shutting the computer off, throwing old furniture and crap i need to get rid of off to make space at home, get to some gardening i need to do and general services in the house, and then do some light exercises for a week or two to get my body used to move again before start heavier work. I had enough of dragging myself all the time. Thank you John for this post, sorry for the long one. Shared. A great new year for everyone!
My pleasure, Wagner. And THANK YOU!